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Former Member Post #4: A Poem

Below is a poem written by a former member of BCC and her experience within the church.


Barbwire Tug of War


"Asking myself now why I think the way I do; looking back I see that girl who wanted to please others and do the "right" thing but was already losing herself. Fighting her own thoughts, being taught to not trust herself and not given the chance to make a mistake. Using love, guilt, and fear to manipulate.

I knew they cared, but they did more damage than good.

My husband and I had a miscarriage, and in the back of my head I still had the constant fear that I did this. "I'm the reason our baby is dead... you reap what you sew" still on repeat.

Now I know better and I have a beautiful, smart, independent, and determined child with a fire in her heart and mind.

As hard as it is already I will not put out that little girl's fire; nor would I ever let anyone else.

This is just a little bit of my story."

-MaryAnnie



Barbwire tug of war


Losing my grip


Raised by Fear


Haunted by my biggest mistake


Not making mistakes


Staying too safe


Blinders on


Too scared to choose


Not drinks or drugs, but love


Not living


Human moments


Too scared to choose me


Only allowed to feel in secret


Framed to fail


Sneaking in the shadows


Excitement, adrenaline


Wishing to be like them


Happy, untouchable


I feared everything


Hurting him


Eternal punishment


Bringing him down with me


Sacrificing a future someone else had planned


Having a family too early


Disappointing ones I looked up to


Getting cornered by those same ones


I’ll end up alone if I don’t listen


I’ll be alone if I do


Barbwire tug of war



My whole being a little white flag


shredded


back and forth, again and again


Someone else always ready to decide


I follow


None see the bleeding scars


They care for me


They know better


He loves me


Love is forever


If you love someone


set them free


Love hurts


So this ache is normal right?


Love bears all things


Love is sacrifice


Can’t trust myself


They won


I listened


I carve him out of my life


again


I jumped in


with both feet


An ant they look down on


Magnifying glass


They watch the smoke


Pat on the back


Reap what I sew


People playing God


Sins forgiven


Fresh start


They lied


I tried


Others praised


The smart ones


Many faces


Hushed words, hidden lives


I wanted to be honest


I was too open


I tried


It takes years


I’m in pieces



Eyes open


Can’t go back


Can’t change the past


Married, career, family


in my head


Same game


different players


This time


I fight


This time


I win



Barbwire tug of war


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