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Former Member Post #4: A Poem

Below is a poem written by a former member of BCC and her experience within the church.

Barbwire Tug of War

"Asking myself now why I think the way I do; looking back I see that girl who wanted to please others and do the "right" thing but was already losing herself. Fighting her own thoughts, being taught to not trust herself and not given the chance to make a mistake. Using love, guilt, and fear to manipulate.

I knew they cared, but they did more damage than good.

My husband and I had a miscarriage, and in the back of my head I still had the constant fear that I did this. "I'm the reason our baby is dead... you reap what you sew" still on repeat.

Now I know better and I have a beautiful, smart, independent, and determined child with a fire in her heart and mind.

As hard as it is already I will not put out that little girl's fire; nor would I ever let anyone else.

This is just a little bit of my story."


Barbwire tug of war

Losing my grip

Raised by Fear

Haunted by my biggest mistake

Not making mistakes

Staying too safe

Blinders on

Too scared to choose

Not drinks or drugs, but love

Not living

Human moments

Too scared to choose me

Only allowed to feel in secret

Framed to fail

Sneaking in the shadows

Excitement, adrenaline

Wishing to be like them

Happy, untouchable

I feared everything

Hurting him

Eternal punishment

Bringing him down with me

Sacrificing a future someone else had planned

Having a family too early

Disappointing ones I looked up to

Getting cornered by those same ones

I’ll end up alone if I don’t listen

I’ll be alone if I do

Barbwire tug of war

My whole being a little white flag


back and forth, again and again

Someone else always ready to decide

I follow

None see the bleeding scars

They care for me

They know better

He loves me

Love is forever

If you love someone

set them free

Love hurts

So this ache is normal right?

Love bears all things

Love is sacrifice

Can’t trust myself

They won

I listened

I carve him out of my life


I jumped in

with both feet

An ant they look down on

Magnifying glass

They watch the smoke

Pat on the back

Reap what I sew

People playing God

Sins forgiven

Fresh start

They lied

I tried

Others praised

The smart ones

Many faces

Hushed words, hidden lives

I wanted to be honest

I was too open

I tried

It takes years

I’m in pieces

Eyes open

Can’t go back

Can’t change the past

Married, career, family

in my head

Same game

different players

This time

I fight

This time

I win

Barbwire tug of war


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